Chlark Fanfic: Something in the Air, Part 1

[babydee1]

Yoo-hoo!  *waves*

Back with some more smutty Chlark that just seems to be flying out of me these days.  I think it's because I'm working on The Fallen Sky (one of my WIPs which is really depressing), and I need some levity to balance out my mood.  Back in the day my relief!fic was The Perfect Gift, so it shows how long I've been working on The Fallen Sky.  Eek. :-\ 

Anyhew, this is my very first attempt at Crack!fic, which I hope you'll all like.  It was supposed to be a two-parter, but the way things are going, it'll more likely be three. Yes, I still suck at deadlines & fic lengths.  No laughing, mari2anne! :-) 

Most of the story's already done, so it should all be posted this week. 

I love comments, so feel free to let me know what you think! 

Enjoy.  I have the most amazing banner made my the wonderfully talented ctbn60.  I hope you all like it as much as I do.  Thank you so much Carol - it's perfect!!! :-D 

***WARNING: Banner under the cut because it is NOT SAFE FOR WORK, I repeat, NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!!  And not safe to open in front of children, either.  Seriously.  There are substantial man-bits on show in all their manly glory!!!  You have been warned!!!***

Title:              Something in the Air
Author:          BabyDee1
Pairing:          Chlark
Rating:           NC17
Warnings:     Crack!fic. My first. Be gentle. ;-)
Timeline:      Season 5-ish
Disclaimer:   All characters belong to the CW & DC comics. 
Summary:     The Laws of Physics (and Common Sense) finally come into play regarding Clark's superspeed.
Feedback:      …always welcome. :-)

For firebunny, the Crack!fic Queen of Chlarkdom.  Hope you had a happy birthday, babes! *hugs* 

Something in the Air, Part I

“Clark!” Chloe whispered urgently.  “Clark, I need your help!”

“Let me guess,” he said, rolling his eyes as he held his cell to his ear.  “You’ve overshot your snoop quota for the month, and landed yourself in some hot water.  Am I right?” 

“I broke into the Iraqi Embassy, and now I’m stuck!” she hissed. 

He snorted.  “Typical.  What happened, you tripped the alarm?”

“No, I’m literally stuck!” she exclaimed.  “I was trying to gain access to what looks like a secret chamber hidden behind the Ambassador’s office, and I stepped in something gooey.  I think its industrial strength superglue, or something!” 

“Ah, so you really are in a sticky predicament this time!” he joked, and shook his head.  “Oh, I slay me…” 

“This is no time for jokes, Clark.  You need to get me out of here!” she said fiercely. 

“So you want me to ‘fix’ it for you?” he went on, waggling his eyebrows.  “Did you get it? Fix?” 

“Just come and get me before they do!”

“Stuck on you,” he crooned, “I’ve got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can’t lose…”

“Clark, they’re coming!”

“Yes, I’m ooooooon my wayeeeeee….”

“You’d better be,” she threatened.  “Because I can hear a lot of angry voices heading in this direction!” 

His smiled disappeared.  “Wait, you’re serious?” 

There was a thud and a cacophony of foreign voices over the line, followed by a series of muffled scuffling, and then…silence. 

He gulped.  “Chloe?” he whispered. 

The line went dead.  Seconds later, his cell beeped with a brief, simple message. 

I hate you.

Chloe, I’m so sorry, he wrote back.  What’s going on?  Where are you?

I’m in the boot of a car, no thanks to you!

Oops.   Clark winced, and read on as another text appeared. 

My Arabic’s pretty rusty, but I managed to deduce that we’re en route to the airport, from which we’ll board a plane heading for the Iraqi Capital City.

And that’s when your Arabic’s rusty?!? he asked with a shocked face icon. 

Just shut up and come get me! she texted back frantically.  I swear to you, Clark - if I end up barefoot in some harem trussed up in HammerPants, a veil and a sparkly bustier---!

Geez, Chloe – dramatic, much?!? he mocked. 

I mean it!  If I spend the rest of my life massaging the feet of some fat Arab Sheikh in Islamabad and feeding him grapes, I WILL KILL YOU DEAD!!!

Ha!  he quickly responded.  Islamabad’s in Pakistan, fool!  

*facepalm* Baghdad, dammit!!! she all but screeched via text.  Now come save me!!!

Ha-ha, OK. I’m on my way. xx  :-P

Thank you.

A few seconds later, he texted her back.  Worst kidnappers EVER.  How come you still have your cellphone?  

Two seconds later, he got a reply.

PRICK.

***

HammerPants.

Spread-eagled and tied to a wall, wearing Gold HammerPants, a veil…and a jewel-encrusted bustier.  Her worst nightmare. 

Chloe sighed and glanced down at her feet.  It could have been worse; she could be naked.  And barefoot.  Mercifully, they’d given her a pair of matching ballet flats along with the ludicrous clothes.  She was definitely counting her blessings on that front.    

Fragrant jasmine incense sweetened the air of the holding room.  Over the strains of a hidden mandarin she could hear the hum of an aeroplane engine prepping for take-off.  She sighed through the veil and glanced worriedly at the door, expecting Clark to burst in at any minute. 

Meanwhile, the stout-framed hijab-clad woman who had dressed her up on arrival was now clapping her hands in delight.  “You have new name, now called Golden Sunrise!” she declared triumphantly, her beady eyes bright behind the dark veil.  

“Hey, no fair!” Chloe exclaimed.  “How come you get to cover it all up?”

“You make lovely companion for Sheikh Hammad!” the woman went on, prodding Chloe’s hip with a pudgy finger.  “Good body, full breasts, strong, fleshy hips…bear plenty, plenty sons, Insha Allah!” 

“Okay…new worst nightmare,” she muttered weakly, scowling as the woman’s poking fingers began to wander towards the rear.  “Hey, hands off the peaches, Habiba!”

Just then, a henchman shouted a command, and Habiba nodded and rubbed her hands together.  “He say, plane ready to take you home to Baghdad!” she declared proudly. 

“Oh, hell no!” she protested, squeezing her eyes shut in prayer.  “Clark, where the hell are you?” 

He burst into the room right on cue, scattering the door into matchwood.  “I’m here, Chloe!” he called.  “I’m here to save you!”  Then he paused.  “Whoa, are those HammerPants?!”

 At last.  She heaved a sigh of relief, and opened her eyes. 

“About time you showed up, you – Holy gods, by the Power of Priapus!” she exclaimed. 

Clark was standing in the middle of the room with his chest puffed out and his arms akimbo in a patented hero pose, but with one vital difference; a vital difference which Habiba clearly noticed as she screeched, trembled violently and fainted.  In that order. 

Clark glanced down at her prone form and frowned.  “What’s her problem?” he asked, puzzled. 

Chloe swallowed.  “Uh…Clark?” 

“Yes, Chloe?” 

“You’re, uh…” 

“A little late, I know,” he admitted.  “But clearly not too late, because a hero always arrives right on time.” 

“You’re not late, Clark.” 

“Finally, she agrees with me!” he said smugly. 

“You’re naked.” 

“Yes, I’m naked,” he nodded.  And then did a double take and glanced down at himself.  “Wait a minute, I’m naked?!?” 

“As the day you were born, which is why the old crone fainted,” she said, staring hungrily at his groin.  “Nice Lunch Box you got there, Clark; most impressive.  You should superspeed in the nude more often!” 

“I don’t understand,” he said, scratching his head.  “Where are all my clothes?” 

“You mean you didn’t strip off on purpose?” 

“No,” he said, still standing there in all his naked glory looking positively puzzled.  “There must be something in the air today…” 

“…or the Laws of Physics finally caught up with your superspeed,” she offered. 

“That, too,” he agreed.  “Guess they disintegrated.  Ah, well…it can’t be helped.  Let’s get you outta here.”  He untied Chloe’s bonds, but just as he’d loosened the last one, a swarm of sandal-wearing, kalashnikov-toting soldiers burst into the room, warbling loudly. 

“Aieee!  Aieee!” they screeched.  “Naked Man, Naked Man! Yalla, yalla!”

“See as his manhood hangs heavy between his thighs!” yelled another. 

Chloe nodded with a grin.  “I know, right?  Dude’s packin’.” 

“He seeks to impale the Sheikh’s delicate flower!” cried another guard, and Chloe waved her arm dismissively.

“Nah, that’s okay; the flower’s long gone,” she replied.  The shouting suddenly ceased, and there was a stunned hush of silence. 

“You are not a maiden?” one of the guards asked.  “You have lain with a man?  Your silken veil of womanhood has been breached by a man-sword and torn asunder?” 

Chloe rolled her eyes.  “Come on.  21st Century, much?  And who the hell is writing your lines?” 

The hitherto reverent expressions on their faces turned to nasty frowns.  “Then you are of no use to us, you American Whore!” they snarled.   

“Oh, shit…”

“Harlot!  Kill her!!” they screeched.  “Kill them both!”  

“Clark, get us outta here,” she warned.  “Haul ass, STAT!!!” 

He put an arm around her and held her to his side.  “Don’t worry, Chloe, I’m here to…to…nnnnghhh…”

“Let’s just---Clark?” she said, staring in shock as his eyes rolled back in his head.  “Clark, what’s wrong?” 

He didn’t answer.  His arm slackened around her waist, and he fell to the floor in an untidy heap of wobbly limbs.  She was still staring in puzzled confusion as the guards surrounded them and carried him off the floor…and then she caught sight of the buttons on their jackets.  They were bright green - and glinting dangerously. 

“Typical,” she mumbled sullenly as she was bound and bundled out of the room.  “Of all the damn buttons in the world they could have commissioned for Iraqi henchmen’s security uniforms…” 

***

Part 2…

Comments

[iluvaqt.livejournal.com]

hehe it was only slightly cracky and I love the snark! What did happen to Clark's clothes? Maybe if they had a superglue booby trap, they had an acid mist one too?

[babydee1.livejournal.com]

Oh, you know how the bad guys always change their female captives into sexy harem clothes when they take them prisoner. I never saw the sense in it, myself... :-)

There be more cracky goodness coming later, Kimmy, I'm tidying up the next chapter as we speak. Thanks for commenting, hun! :-)

[silversnikle.livejournal.com]

This was a perfect little escape :-) Can't wait for the rest! Crack!fics can be so much fun. And this one has plenty of potential, with a naked Clark and all. Heehee

[babydee1.livejournal.com]

I do lurve me a nekkid Clark, I do! :-D

Thanks for commenting, hun. Will post more soon! :-)

[laurelnola.livejournal.com]

Oh my lordy, I love this!! A Crack!fic by Dee and smutty to boot! It's like getting Christmas and Easter combined!

I have always believed that the *only* explanation for Clark wearing his exceptionally stupid-looking suit is that it's the only thing that won't disintegrate when he flies at super-speed. And the idea that there had to be a first time where he discovered what super-speed did to his clothes always gives me the giggles! Hello, naked!Clark!

Love it!!

*skips off for more*

[babydee1.livejournal.com]

"Oh my lordy, I love this!! A Crack!fic by Dee and smutty to boot! It's like getting Christmas and Easter combined!"

Your Hyacinth icon never fails to crack me up! :-P Speaking of Crack, I'm so happy you found a spare moment to read this baby! :-)

"I have always believed that the *only* explanation for Clark wearing his exceptionally stupid-looking suit is that it's the only thing that won't disintegrate when he flies at super-speed. And the idea that there had to be a first time where he discovered what super-speed did to his clothes always gives me the giggles! Hello, naked!Clark!"

I always knew you were a genius, Dawnie! I still remember your Chlark Crack!fic where Jor-El bestows the suit upon Clark...Comedy GOLD! :-P

"
Love it!!

*skips off for more*"

Glad you like, bebe! :-)