The Queen's Christmas Day Speech

[babydee1]

Not the real one, obviously.  But oh, so totally hilarious! :-D 

My loyal subjects,

One understands from one’s advisers that there has been some bother with money this year. Ordinarily such trifles would not trouble one, but it seems that the small screen may now be a luxury that many of my subjects cannot afford, so this year one has committed one’s regal musings to paper the better to communicate with the commoners.

It has been another eventful year for the Windsors. One’s highlight was of course William and Kate’s wedding. It was a wonderful day: William looked regal and Kate was divine, although her sister’s backside caused a bit of a stir. Poor Philip got a crick in his neck craning to get a better view. One wishes William and Kate every happiness for the future, but William is his father’s son so we were sure to set up a cast-iron pre-nuptial agreement – and Philip has a contact he can call if ever things get out of hand.

One’s eldest granddaughter Zara Philips also married this year. Her husband is a sportsman of unique looks, but sadly one nearly had cause to call on the SAS to offer him advice after he committed an indiscretion in New Zealand. However, one has been given to understand that dwarf throwing is a long-established tradition among those who work for a living, not to mention an excellent form of preparation for the catching and throwing skills required at the highest level of rugby union.

We just now need to marry off young Harry. However, like finding a backer for a corgi at the dog track, one fears those particular royal goods may only appeal to a niche market.

There have been no funerals this year, but Charles is keeping his spirits up.

One is afraid to report that Andrew got into a spot of bother again this year, but then he’s always had a weakness for improper relationships. Over the years many have criticised the royal family for being out of touch, but we are just like every other family in the UK and accordingly have the misfortune to possess one child that brings us nothing but disappointment and embarrassment. And for someone who travels the globe as UK trade envoy, one would imagine that Andrew could be a little more inventive with his Christmas gifts than to give us a BAE fighter jet each year stuffed full with unmarked Saudi banknotes.

For William and his grandfather Philip, professionally it has been a year of contrast. William’s work in the RAF saw him saving foreigners by plucking them out of the sea, while Philip took a turn at throwing them back in when he volunteered to check passports as a stand-in immigration officer at Dover during the recent strikes.

This year we have holidayed in a number of delightful places. In Dublin one took the opportunity to express regret for incidents that had taken place in the past between Britain and Ireland, and they seemed to buy it because there was not a single mention of potato on the menu. We also travelled to Australia, our 16^th visit since 1954. The media described it as one’s ‘farewell tour’, and in truth one will be glad to see the back of those uncouth beer swilling natives. One made sure never to let one’s handbag out of one’s sight the whole trip.

During May we had the Obamas to stay at Buckingham Palace. Philip had forgotten they were coming and there was one awkward moment when he returned to see them examining some silver in the banquet room and called the police. After that he was always chaperoned during their stay and blotted his copybook only once with an unfortunate remark about ‘mid-tan boot polish’.

Unfortunately my horse was beaten in the Derby by that whipper-snapper French jockey. How Nicolas Sarkozy has time to ride horses and govern France one can only wonder.

Next year one celebrates one’s Diamond Jubilee. How those 60 years have flown. One is 85 now but with public sector pensions coming under fire it seems one will have to continue working for a while yet. Though one won’t be striking because one doesn’t want to give Charles a sniff.

Wishing all one’s subjects the very best for a divorce-free and anti-republican 2012.

- Elizabeth R.

Comments

[fickery.livejournal.com]

Ha, I love all the shots at Phillip. :D And this:

There have been no funerals this year, but Charles is keeping his spirits up.

made me LMAO. What's the source for this?

[babydee1.livejournal.com]

I have no idea. Someone emailed it to my boss, he emailed it to me, and I have shared it with you! :-D

I love Prince Philip and his faux pas. He's refreshingly honest, which is very rare these days! ;-)

Glad you liked it!

[phantom-queen.livejournal.com]

Very funny!

[babydee1.livejournal.com]

Thanks, bebe - glad you like! :-D

[laurelnola.livejournal.com]

Priceless! One is laughing over here!

[babydee1.livejournal.com]

One is delighted to have provided a source of amusement for you! :-D

Hope your chubby little Irish lass is fast-growing - and sleeping through the night! :-D

[mari2anne.livejournal.com]

Where oh where did you find this?

It is so funny and so wrong on so many levels, mostly because it appears to speak of too much truth...

So is she truly so out of touch, or merely 'touched' I wonder?

The best and saddest line... "...we are just like every other family in the UK..."

I do feel sorry for Harry, though; seems like granny does not have any high regard for him.

Oh, and "some bother with money" cracked me up! It probably would be rather interesting to have her actually write a journal of how she really feels. I wonder how far off this would be?

Thanks for sharing, Dee. You do find the most awesome news out there...

[babydee1.livejournal.com]

Don't thank me, thank my boss - he's the one that gets these things! :-D

Glad you got a kick of it, Mari!

[mrs_roy.livejournal.com]

Oi! As an Australian citizen, I completely resent that paragraph.

I'll admit, the beer is rather good, but considering the fact that the state of Australia's economy is far better than Europe's, why are Australian's always stereotyped as yobbo bludgers who know no better? It's depressing.

Good old Philip. Just telling it like it is!

[babydee1.livejournal.com]

"
Oi! As an Australian citizen, I completely resent that paragraph."

*cuddles* Sorry, babes! If it's any comfort, they took potshots at everyone! :-P

And Philip is easily my favourite member of the Royal family. I find him refreshingly un-PC! :-D

[easilyenraged.livejournal.com]

Liz just wanted to leave Oz 'cause Phillip was having to much fun.